Hipsters vs. Kenyans

Greetings, Reader Land. It’s been a little while, I know. I got asked to preach two sermons here, and seeing as how I’ve never before done one sermon in front of a congregation, I thought it would be a good time to put a little extra effort into my prep work. Now I’m past the first, and writing the second. So far, so good.

Did you know that it’s Lent now? If you didn’t you should. Easter is on the way, people. Get ready.

Now, to the post! My last few have been lengthy and fairly thought-heavy, so I thought I’d do something a little shorter and a little lighter this time around. And, since Chattanooga just made the list of Top 5 New Hipster Cities in the States, I thought I’d blend a little home and a little abroad to bring you…

HIPSTERS VERSUS KENYANS 2012!

Here’s how this thing is going to work. If you’ve seen “Zoolander,” I’m imagining a throwdown contest similar to the walk-off between Hansel and Derek Zoolander. If you haven’t seen “Zoolander,” quit reading right now and go watch it. Unless Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller are likely to offend you, or you need intellectual stimulation from your movies.

So, I’ve isolated the common ground between hipsters and Kenyans and narrowed the playing field to five major categories. Each category will be judged separately, with the victor being the group that takes the most total categories. Let us begin.

Cheap, Unattractive Clothing –

The Kenyans have a strong claim on this, but the Hipsters give them a run for their money. Over lunch one day, I mentioned that my clothes came from a thrift store. My companions were fascinated. Indeed, Peter Rono decided that my clothing economy, near to the heart of all hipsters, was the final step in proving my true African citizenship. “When they were dealing out the cards of where everyone should go,” he told me, “they accidentally threw two at once into America, and decided to just let you go. You were supposed to be one of us.” They demanded to know how a used clothing market works, and were blown away by the low cost of the good available. American clothing costs far more than Kenyan clothing when new, but thrift store prices undercut even Kenyan street markets. So, in terms of economy, the hipsters win the category. However, the Kenyans rally remarkably over the so-called “ironic” (read “ugly”) element of dress. To walk through the markets downtown is to see a clothing pageant in which M.C. Hammer, Steve Urkel, Olivia Newton John, the Backstreet Boys, and Mufasa all provided wardrobe trunks which were promptly intermixed with no respect for style and items were chosen with no rhyme or reason. However, I must concede that this garish comedy of errors is entirely unintentional, so, the hipsters have it. CLOTHING POINT: HIPSTERS.

Hipsters: 1

Kenyans: 0

Intentionally Poor Hygiene – One often finds hipsters to be among the unwashed masses. Between the willful rejection of respect for appearance and the attitude of cultivated apathy, showering and other such daily cleanliness is left by the wayside as a convention of “The Man.” Or whatever the preferred term for the establishment is. Kenyans, however, raise this to a level of art. There are generally accepted slang terms, such as “passport shower,” for halfheartedly cleaning oneself. Indeed, such meager gestures in the general direction of personal hygiene often do not occur until several days have elapsed without such a gesture. Deodorant is considered entirely optional, and not necessarily a desirable option, despite the fact that nearly every day offers either dry summer heat or humid mugginess, depending on the season. Culturally respected traditions reinforce the situation. Upon returning to one’s homelands, one is usually expected to splash a small amount of dirty river water over oneself, and to bathe in this woefully insufficient manner for the duration of one’s stay. Hipsters, you tried, but these people have been cultivating group stank for millennia. HYGIENE POINT: KENYANS

Hipsters: 1

Kenyans: 1

Tie game

Being “The First” to Hear “It” – It is a highly regarded mark of distinction for any hipster to be the first among one’s social circle to hear a band that goes on to attain some notoriety in indie or underground circles. For a demonstration of this reality, watch Harvard Sailing Team’s Youtube video, “Hipster Playlist.” And the lengths to which such folk will go to establish their credibility, or to promote those bands they have discovered. Have you met Daniel Hall? Still, the Kenyans pull out all the stops for this one. Street bands are constant, and everyone is trying to “make it” or get the chance to play a venue who has any talent for music. Interestingly, because the odds of securing a huge record deal here are significantly less than in the States, it is more common to simply want to gain some local notoriety and be afforded the opportunity to play at small venues, the only kind that exist in most localities. But the thing that really gives the Kenyans the edge is that songs here may be in English, Kiswahili, tribal dialects, or even Shang, a language invented by the youth for themselves, and largely unintelligible by adults. That’s right, folks, indie bands playing in an indie language. “Have you heard of the new metal/tribal fusion group “Wrath of the Zebra Brothers?” “Dude, I heard them before you, in that field by that hut, like, three years ago.” “Yeah, but you don’t speak Kiyuku, so I understood them first, so…” INDIE MUSIC CRED: KENYANS

Hipsters: 1

Kenyans: 2

Uh-oh…

Substandard Housing –

There’s dumpster diving, there’s trash reclaiming, there’s the ubiquitous mooching, but nothing quite establishes the lowness of hipster living standards like a good look at any number of loft apartments and semi-renovated basements which are called home. Now, one must admit that thousands, perhaps millions (I’m not good with population sizes) of Kenyans live in mud huts, grass huts, and even the occasional cave or thick woodland grove. Yet this housing is much better than it seems to the outside observer. With the mildness of weather here, the beautiful climate, and the general fondness for blurring the lines between outdoor and indoor, the Kenyan lives in an open structure of limited space as much out of genuine contentedness and enjoyment of the environment as out of necessity. Kenyan houses are also quite well-maintained, demonstrating an ability for home care and a sense of responsibility far outstripping that evidenced by the average hipster “apartment.” Therefore, JUNKY HOUSING: HIPSTERS, believe it or not.

Hipsters: 2

Kenyans: 2

Time for a tie-breaker

There is one thing, perhaps more than any other, that allows one to recognize a hipster in any environment, even in neutral public territory when devoid of distinctive wardrobe. This, of course, is the ever-present pint can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Thus, our final judgment must be determined by…

Crappy Beer – I, of course, am a respectable educator and have no personal way of judging this category. Thankfully, I have a friend here. We’ll call him Johnny Kenya, who is passably familiar with Kenyan beer, and who will allow us to conclude this contest. Johnny?

Hi, everyone, I’m Johnny, and I’m typing now. In Kenya, we prefer beer that is really, really bad. Just atroshus (see, I misspelled atrocious, so you know it’s really me and not Kent). The situation has escalated to the point that talented, capable breweries don’t even bother to set up business. Our high-end, premium beers are basically on par with mediocre American domestics. And capable microbrews? Forget about it.

There you have it, folks, an unbiased local testimony. This compares favorably with the American hipster’s devotion to PBR, and similar tragedies. However, the most deeply held tenet of hipsterism compromises the hipster claim to the title. I’m talking, of course, about individuality, or “indie-ism.” It is this devotion to what is independent, what is underground, what it small or local or unheard of, that has given rise to the absolute and unparalleled explosion of microbreweries across the States in the last decade. And microbrews, by and large, are a cut above your average domestic. Therefore, the hipster’s devotion to mediocre, cheap beer is undermined by his heartfelt embrace of craft beer, which he imbibes when he has sold enough demo tapes to afford a proper bottle. So it is that we find, CHEAP BEER: KENYANS.

Final Score:

Hipsters: 2

Kenyans: 3

My apologies, dear hipsters, but you have been outclassed (or underclassed) by an opponent with even less stake in Western culture and propriety. The Kenyans have it.